Closing the Mother Wound: The Secret Ties That Bind
- Gogo uMkhanyakude
- Oct 12, 2016
- 7 min read
Trigger Warning: Child Rape/Sexual Assault
Hey Sis. We need to talk. It might not be pleasant.
The number of missing girls in our communities is startling. The statistics for those girls who are forced into the sex/human trafficking trade (read: slavery) are even more unnerving. There's one particular statistic that stands out:
"Many victims are runaway girls who have already suffered sexual abuse as children"
www.caseact.org
Why am I writing about this on a blog devoted to the spirituality, sensuality, and intellect of Black and Brown women? Because I am a mother, and motherhood's prime directive is to protect its offspring. Motherhood has been one of, if not THE primary teaching modality through which I come to know my own Divinity. Therefore, this issue offends the Mother/Goddess in me. Sex is sacred to Oshun and Het Heru. Sex is sacred to me. Children are sacred to Yemoja and Auset. Children are sacred to me. When I read about the fact that the victims of human trafficking are girls who have run away from home, my mind immediately goes to the relationship between that girl and her mother that failed to provide the safety net that she could fall into and why. I created this blog to bring light to all aspects of the Goddess. This topic definitely falls right in line.
I find here an opportunity to discuss the elephant that occupies too much space in too many of our rooms, but... where do we start this conversation? From the beginning. From the perspective of the Mother/Goddess. Let me be very clear. I am not here to vilify, crucify, or otherwise sacrifice Black and Brown women in any way. However, if we are to reclaim and embody our Divine Nature, then we must confront that which is confronting us. And let's be honest. Can't nobody get you together like your sister... and I am your sister. I'm not here to place blame. I'm here to tell the truth as I see and know it to be. I love you, and the only way we are going to heal is by being brutally honest with ourselves.
This universe is one of polarities - off/on, top/bottom, predator/prey, abuser/victim... This universe is also peculiar in how those polarities can play out, especially when it comes to human behavior and psychology. There are any number of factors that come into play when attempting to understand the rationale behind someone's actions or... more to the point of this blog.. their inaction.
Nothing exists in a vacuum. One of the myths that I feel we need to dispel is that a person has to be either a victim or a villain. While we do live in this universe with its polarities, there is always a spectrum... a sliding scale, if you will. Take, for example, the movie, "Precious." I've admittedly never seen the film. As an empath, I can't do movies that provoke those strong, visceral emotions. However, I am aware of the plot and theme of the story. With that being said, the powerful abuser/victim dichotomy that exists in the character of Precious' mother is something that many of us - and according to the statistics, our daughters - have seen and experienced in real life.
Sis, we have among us mothers who refuse to protect their children from abuse. Mothers who give silent consent out of fear, addiction, and codependency. Mothers who find safety from their own victimhood by perpetrating abuse. Maybe it was your mother... maybe it's you. Regardless, it's a secret that is too long kept. It's past time for the ball to drop on this one. We have to confront this one head on.
Growing up in the hood, it's seen as a “badge of honor” to be able to keep a secret. We are socialized to believe that “telling” is bad. In the hood, there is one law; No Snitching. That's the end of it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No one wants to be known as or associated with a snitch. Keeping secrets means that you were trustworthy and “down.” But what do you do when the secrets you keep are killing you? See, whether you are the abuser or the victim, or both, you're keeping secrets. You have to keep the secrets. That's how the cycle of abuse is maintained. Everyone's lips are sealed.
But secrets have a voice. They do not just lie dormant in the recesses of your mind. Secrets are those nasty little things that whisper to your fears that have not been allowed to come to the light of truth and revelation. This clandestine conversation then manifests itself either in our actions or our inaction. What we do or don’t do is often motivated by what we fear, which is fueled by our secrets. Do you see the vicious cycle, and how this dynamic is harming us? In terms of our discussion here, what can be done to call a halt to this cruel chain of events? Well, we can expose the secrets. We have to simply tell the ugly, gory, bloody truth.
Secrets are only secrets to those on the outside. To the secret keeper, secrets can be a constant reality. Speaking from my personal experience with sexual assault as a child, I can recall that I didn’t even realize that I was keeping secrets. It seemed as though I’d developed a knack for keeping things… even from myself. I went along living my life, suffering the devastating effects of the secrets I was keeping, all unbeknownst to my conscious mind. Things I had not allowed to surface were secretly affecting my outlook on life and indeed, how I functioned in my life and showed up for myself.
How do we as Black and Brown women and girls escape from the bondage of secrets, lies, and deceit that seems to be all too common in our shared experience of womanhood? With truth, honesty, and courage. Again, I choose to speak from personal experience. The childhood pain of abuse that, like a weed, had used the moist, fertile soil of my soul to try to choke out my sense of self was exposed to the light of the Sun. In short, I had to talk about it. I had to tell. I had to snitch. In exposing the deep, hidden cause of many of my issues, the secrets became toothless dogs. No longer does secret shame speak to my fear. Now, for my sake, my secrets must yield to the greater light of truth. As the truth is revealed within me, the secrets must expose the reason WHY they are there and WHO put them there in the first place.
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”
Zora Neale Hurston
It didn't matter whether anyone believed me or not. When I told my story of molestation, rape, abuse, and abandonment, all that mattered to me was that I told. My abusers all used various emotional manipulation tactics to keep me quiet - gaslighting, threats of violence, projection - and it worked when I was young. But when I came of age, and the memories started to haunt me, I couldn't keep silent. I had to have the very difficult conversation with my mother about the fact that not only had I been violated in the worst way, but, for whatever reason, she didn't or couldn't protect me from the abuse. I was never very angry with her about it because I think I always recognized her as having her own battles to fight... with her being married to my father and all. Plus, I was an exceptional actress, so I didn't blame her for not noticing. But seeing the devastation in her eyes when I did finally tell her about what had happened to me was something I'll never forget. That was 26 years ago. I am a mother now, and I am thankful to my ancestors that I have never had to experience that with my daughters. In a very bittersweet way, I realize how fortunate I am. One in 6 girls are molested before the age of 18.
This is where I believe we find ourselves now as the global collective of Black and Brown women. Our silence has reached critical mass. With regard to this particularly complex issue, we must meet it with equal amounts of fortitude and compassion. The numbers are in. Our daughters are suffering. Our sisters, their mothers, are suffering. Some of our sisters are actually so wounded that they perpetrate the same violence upon their daughters that has been perpetrated upon them. Since we know that some women won't be willing to face the reality of the role they may have played in the cycle of abuse. As J. Cole says, "Don't save her. She don't wanna be saved." The resolve must be, therefore, to instill in the minds of as many as are willing to receive it, the simplicity of this truth - Secrets are only as powerful as our belief in them. We must focus on our energy on the ones who want to be whole. We must create safe spaces for them to speak their truths.
"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."
Desmond Tutu
There is a fundamental belief that is shared among all those who share in the victim mentality. This is that the abuser is more powerful than they are. This is, of course, as my momma would say, a "happy-head, bold-face lie." Abusers need to create doubt in the mind of those they victimize to ensure their own power. Abusers are narcissists who know that their power only lies in their victim abdicating theirs. It doesn't help that we live in a society that glorifies all things toxic when it comes to relationships.
Therefore, in order to stem the tide of abuse, abscondence, and abduction, we have to create a counter culture of safety, honesty, and understanding so that should a young woman's body be violated, whether in or out of the home, she has somewhere to go and someone to talk to. That means we must believe her when she says something happened. Period. We must honor our intuitive hits that let us know to dig just a little bit more. We must confront the demon of silent maternal consent/abuse by having difficult discussions, such as this one. This is one issue that we can no longer afford to remain ambivalent about.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
Women talk to heal. This matter is no different. It just hurts more to talk about. But if we want to be made whole in this area, we've got to work where it hurts. The tears will irrigate the wounds and they can begin to close.
I love you sis.
I love us.
We gon' be alright.
If you want guidance and support on your healing journey, book your complimentary consultation with Miss Buttafly today.
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