Letting Go: How I Am Learning to Abandon Suffering and Embrace Joy
- Gogo uMkhanyakude
- Jan 20, 2018
- 4 min read
Ever lived a lie so long that authenticity seems foreign? Ever pretended to be less than what you are so much that you begin to live... less? Ever carry such a negative opinion of yourself that when someone speaks positively of you, you wonder of whom they speak? Yeah... me too.
Now, more than ever, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I realize that self-love is actually more like self-acceptance. It is approving of one's self. It is giving one's self permission to be. It is disallowing the vitriol that one may have been exposed to from continuing its cycle in one's life. It is setting one's self free. it is a process. Some learn to accept themselves in their youth. They never have to go through the excruciation of sorting through decades of toxic, mental sludge. They get it early. Most of us, however, don't get this lesson until much later in our adult lives. Many never get it at all.
I used to wish I was one of those people who got that lesson in her youth. I spent most of my life comparing myself to those who are not me, and judging myself harshly because of it. I believed the judgements I handed down over my life: Guilty! Shameful! Useless! Unworthy! Inadequate! Wrong! I had even reached a point where I was ready to accept the verdict and live the rest of my days under the weight of my own gavel.
I don't wish that anymore. Every day, I am learning, step-by-step, how to give myself the space and the permission that I so desperately sought from others. I am learning to use constructive criticism and not take it personally. I am learning that I don't have to perform for attention, or love, or affection. That's a hard lesson... Some habits are easier to break than others. Performing became my safe zone. As long as I was making myself palatable and pleasant for others, I didn't have to worry about being overlooked or mistreated. But I am learning, every day, to break those counterproductive and counterintuitive habits, and to remain authentic at all times.
I cry a lot these days. But I am coming to understand that I've been living my life in a proverbial pressure cooker, and the tears are my soul's way of letting me know that it's time to take the lid off. I also realize that not all my tears are sorrowful. Many times, I cry simply because an area of my soul that was previously locked away from the light of the sun has been opened, simultaneously releasing the pain and inviting the joy. I am grateful for my tears.
I don't have all the answers. Shit, most days, I feel like I don't have any answers at all. But I'm learning how to give myself permission to not have all the answers, to be guided, to be led, to be loved. I am remembering and I am learning to care for myself in the same way I cared for others; completely, unapologetically, fiercely. Here are some of the ways I'm learning to let go of suffering and embrace joy.
I maintain my spiritual hygiene. That means adopting and creating rituals that support my connection with the Divine within. I do this by taking spiritual baths, keeping my ancestral altar tended to, and maintaining my prayer life.
I disconnect from toxicity immediately when it presents itself. I used to get caught up in trying to rescue toxic people from themselves. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was really trying to affirm myself by saving them. I had to come to terms with the truth, which is this. It's not my job to free anyone else from the chains they cherish.
I am involved in community. I have wonderful spiritual leaders who guide and instruct me with wisdom and compassion, while standing firm in their assignment to disallow mediocrity from me as an escape hatch. I have amazing god-sisters with whom I can discuss anything. I have friends and family who support my greatness and who are willing to grow with me through my challenges. And then I have my amadlozi (ascended ancestors and spirit guides). When no one is available to talk me through, I know I can call on the Ones who are ALWAYS with me.
I journal. I write damn near everything down. I write my dreams when I remember them. I write my thoughts, my hopes, my wishes, my prayers, and my fears. I write random messages I feel I may receive. I write down business ideas. I make sure that no more than 2 days go by without addressing my journal.
I rest. One of the side effects of performing is mental exhaustion. I had to realize that the depression I was experience and the extreme mental fatigue was because I was working overtime on my facade, even when I didn't consciously realize it. So now, I rest. I rest my mind by reminding myself that who I am authentically is not just enough, I am essential. I came here with a purpose, and I can only fulfill that purpose by being me.
I monitor my mental diet. Whether it be music, books, movies, or conversations with myself or others, I am learning to root out toxic patterns and ideas. I am learning to only allow words, songs, visuals, conversations, and interactions that support my joy. I am becoming quite choosy about me. I am consciously choosing joy.
If you're anything like me, you understand that shifting the polarity on your thought process is a lot like attempting to make a U-turn with an 18-wheeler on an incline while pulling a full load. I think I've discovered a secret, though. That is to disconnect from the weight. Abandon the weight of the suffering and begin embracing joy. I'm still learning how to do this.
Thokoza.
-mb.
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